Robert Shaw Hall: Steps Deaths Down 80%

That's right, less people have died from falling down the steps of Robert Shaw Hall this year than last year (WOOT!).  Last year 78.5 students (one student is now paralyzed from the waist down so I count that as .5) died compared to this year in which only nine students have fallen to their death.  "But WHY, C.J.?" is what you're probably yelling at your screen. Well, calm down, sip some doughnuts and eat some tea and I'll explain it all to you.

Robert Shaw, or RS as I will refer to it, is typically the one residence hall with the most alcohol violations...or The Courts.  Anyway,  last year there were 666 alcohol or drug violations in RS so it only makes sense that almost 79 students became "Shwasted", or too messed up, and stumbled down the 43 concrete steps that lead to the lower parking lot.

"We tried installing a slide a few years ago but we're pretty sure that just facilitated more sloppy deaths," Officer Baconpigglez said. "We even tried installing a ball pit at the bottom but that only made kids jump into it from ridiculous heights and die on impact.  Our last idea was to install one of those chairs that carries people up stairs...we asked the university to install it in the Fall of '09 and it's still under construction. Like everything else here, construction jobs never gets done on time."

Even after knowing how many people die every year, students don't seem to be fazed.

"I know some dumb assholes have died here, but that doesn't scare me!" Fannyben Dover, freshmen, said. "I just avoid those steps...unless I wanna show off my new underwear."

While this was a huge problem last year, it seams like a solution has just fallen from the heavens.

"When students drink Four Loko energy/alcoholic drinks they pass the fuck out," Baconpigglez said.  "It's hard to party hard when your heart is beating irregularly.  We've actually only had 16 alcohol or drug reports from RS this year, so it makes sense that only nine people have did this year.  While I can't condone underage drinking, I would recommend that students chose to drink Four Loko for their own safety."

But are Four Loko and not drinking really the only possible solution?

"I just go down the wheelchair ramps," Salvator Lammi, one of the students who died last year, said. "I don't wanna be safe and hold the railing like a bitch and people will make fun of me. I'm already dead so I can take my time going places...plus I don't wanna fall down those steps and die again. That wouldn't be good. My parents would be so mad at me if I died again."

Saddly, Four Loko's have been banned in PA so the number of deaths at RS might be on the rise.  You could also just avoid the steps or hold onto the railing for safety.  After all, you don't want to have to explain to your parents how you died...do you?

"I stocked up on 'Lokos' a long time ago, so I'm safe for the rest of the semester," Dan Ermann, senior, said.  "Now I'm gunna go drink one and pass the hell out. l'chaim!"

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                    APRIL FOOLS!!!!!